Can You be an Optimistic Realist?
One question you might have when you read this title is, “Why I
want to be an optimist?” Or, even, “How could I be optimistic
with life the way it is?” or “Who could be an optimist in
today’s world?
And “today’s world” may mean to you that office you work in
that’s so hopelessly understaffed and disorganized, or your
inept boss, or terrorism, starvation and violence in the world,
your personal inadequacies for facing your personal challenges,
the lack of help around the house, your hyper 2 year old twin
boys, spending your days reeling among the emotional states of
your teenagers, your midlife-crisis spouse, and your aging
mother, or any of the above.
I was reminded of this dilemma when I was cornered the other
morning by a young woman who needed to get in my face about the
fact that her husband had gotten in her face that morning about
the “idiocy” of watching the Prince Charles thing when there
were more important things going on in the world.
By the end of his tirade he had listed terrorism, cancer, the
national budget crisis, and the legal system as things more
worthy of our attention that were, at the same time, hopelessly
screwed up. By the end of his tirade, her husband’s “pessimistic
attitude” had been added to the list, as having “ruined” her
day. And, had I allowed it, I could’ve added to the list that
her retelling of the war story had “ruined” mine.
Let’s face it: it’s easier to be cynical. It’s also more
realistic to be cynical.
If you’re the kind of person who has a need to be right, betting
that the work project will be screwed up, that the marriage will
never last, and that Bush will make another decision that will
fail to make the world perfect are surer bets than the opposite.
And so, if you’re negative and pessimistic, you’ll more often be
right. But look at what else you’ll get: you’ll attract to
yourself people who feel the same way and will join you in a
negative downward spiral; you’ll be quick to blame anything but
yourself, leaving yourself feeling hopeless and helpless as well
as angry; you’ll waste a lot of time belaboring the obvious; and
you’ll also stress yourself and your immune system.
Negative thinking leads to negative emotions which bring on
physiological reactions which can damage your health in the
short-term and in the long-term. Being optimistic doesn’t mean
not being realistic.
It means making choices that influence outcomes, because they
can also be self-fulfilling. If you’re sure your secretary is
going to fail you again, she will. We are all influenced by the
energy around us, and who can function when someone is hovering
around them who thinks she or he is “an idiot”? Also, if you’re
determined she will fail you, you must make that happen to
defend your ego, and so what else can you think when it’s over?
She failed you.
Realism would say - if you truly hired the wrong person, don’t
be a victim. Take care of the problem.
If you hired a person who, like everyone else, has good days and
bad, works in an imperfect system, has to try and read your mind
and accommodate to your admittedly difficult disposition at
times, and is over-worked, don’t play the victim - look at the
system and see what you can do to make things work better,
assuming (optimistically) that this is possible, i.e., things
will never be perfect, but they can generally be improved upon,
and YOU are the one to do it.
You could start, in that instance, with your own attitude and
expectations.
In fact, if you want to make the world a better place, start
with your secretary’s “world.” Get it?
Pragmatically speaking - that is, if you want to function in the
real world - an optimistic view works better. It gives you the
energy to make things happen, because it gives you positive
emotional energy.
Functionally-speaking, it is wiser to be optimistic. Optimism is
a tool, therefore. If you can still that voice in your head that
says everything stinks, you can begin to see what you can do
about things as they are, some of which, yes, “stink,” but not
all.
If you’re plagued by the suffering of terrorism and tsunamis,
for instance, set aside a time to figure out what YOU can do
about them. You will quickly realize the dilemma of world
leaders who actually have to do this on a grand scale; but you
will also find small things you can do in your own world to
address these ills. Call your local Red Cross. They’ve been
waiting for your call. IN THE MEANTIME, keep your own life going
in a positive direction, with optimism. If you’re determined
that you can’t be happy until all the ills of the world have
been addressed, you’ll be a long time waiting. You will also
fail to address what you can address, because of lamenting over
larger things which basically are beyond your control.
If you want to turn around your attitude, turn your face in
another direction. To focus on what’s right about things doesn’t
mean you don’t KNOW what things are wrong, or how wrong they
are. It means you’re making a choice about your own portion of
the world, your responsibility in it, and your outlook.
Does it help “the world” if you go on a tirade first thing in
the morning and dump all your frustration on your spouse? Of
course not. Remember you and your spouse are also a part of “the
world.”
>From an objective position, the young man mentioned above has a
good job, a nice home, plenty of food, clothing and necessities,
and a lovely wife who was cheerful, lovely, and dressed to go to
her job for the day. That’s a scene half the people in this will
never have.
Optimism means, in the words of Faulkner, not “slaying the real
for the unreal.” The moment this young man had was real, and it
was good. Then he got into his own head and dragged up all the
reasons he could think of to be unhappy; reasons which exist and
are available to all of us, but so is the contentment of the
immediate reality.
It’s almost like he takes pride in being able to figure out
there are ills in the world, as if he were only one who knew
this and were concerned about it.
For an example of what your self-talk does to you, consider this
scenario. Let’s say Fred is feeling low. He thinks his life is
impossible; it contains the usual array of hard work, too much
stress, arguments with his wife and kids, a puppy that won’t get
house-broken, and a home plumbing system that keeps backing up.
However, his job, wife and kids are all within “the normal
range.” He walks outside and has a chat with his neighbor. The
neighbor has a 23 year old son who is schizophrenic and lives
with him and his wife. They are retired, living on a limited
income, and suffering health problems. Most of us would say,
“There but for the grace of God go I,” and go back inside with a
prayer for the neighbor, but a sense of gratitude for our own
set of problems, which is much smaller and somehow seems, now,
more manageable.
Fred, the pessimist, however, goes back inside feeling lower
than ever, having decided that if the world is that awful, why
try at all.
Pessimism has its roots in our beliefs, which feed into our
expectations. If a perfect world is one of your beliefs, or the
feeling that you can’t be happy until you live in a perfect
world, why not take it out and have another look. Write down
your core beliefs and then go over them with optimism and
pessimism in mind.
Now, in Spanish there are two “to be” verbs. One, ser, means a
permanent state, such as, I am a woman. Soy mujer. The other is
for temporary states, such as, I am furious. Estoy enojada.
English doesn’t make this distinction by means of different
verbs, but I will close this using “be” in the ’state’ sense,
not ‘trait’ sense: You can be pessimistic [trait] and still
survive. We all know people who are and do. But it may be
necessary to be optimistic [state] if you want to thrive.
Learn about optimism and have it available. Be able to change
your self-talk and attitude. This flexibility will develop your
emotional intelligence, and in the long run, the happiness you
save may be your own.
